From my friend Sharon:
The Basics for writing 2011 Romance Novels
He gazed into my eyes then grasped me firmly, but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly closed the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, deep, reassuring voice close to my ear. “Just relax.”
Without another word, he gently reached down and I felt his warm, strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly, but steadily. My breath stopped for a moment. I knew that I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His gentle touch was so experienced, positive, and so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and then I partly closed my eyes. My heart was pounding. Then I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, perky breasts in his hands, I inhaled deeply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my Victoria Secret underwear
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt trusting and sexy again. This is a real man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not accustomed to taking `no’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my eyes and soul and say:
“Okay, Ma’am, you can board your flight now.”
28
Jul
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
12
Apr
It took a while, but it appears the honeymoon is over.
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
- Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. – O’Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. – Leno
Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. – Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! – Fallon
Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. – Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. - Letterman
24
Mar
HT: JR
11
Mar
Got this from a well-respected person I know via another well-respected person I know via a probably less well-respected person they know, but who has a better humor:
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn’t even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!” “And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama’s new healthcare package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”, while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those softy Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
10
Jul
This one’s for Nancy:
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”
“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
15
Apr
Got this via email, loved it:
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tec h, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ……
Now give me back my dog.
18
Mar
This video has been sent to me about a dozen times now. I still enjoy it. There is some question as to whether Bill’s snubbing Hillary, or Hillary’s snubbing Bill. Me? I think it’s obvious Hillary can’t wait to get her some, well, you know, better paying job ( yeah, that’s it ). Decide for yourself:
Hillary throwing her husband under the bus for the highest bidder at the time just doesnt’ surprise me. So, there really is nothing suspenseful here. Until, you look, a little closer…
What is that on Obama’s back?
Now, I’ve heard he’s big on teleprompting, but somehow sticking it on his back just doesn’t seem to help much. Unless, of course, it’s for whoever is behind him. I dunno who’s behind him tho. So, I’m still left clueless.
Anyone got any idea what that is?
( The “Kiss me, I’m with stupid” idea is mine alone, ok? )
( Also, the “Obama is a robot controlled by Dick Cheney” idea is mine as well. )
