Nuff said!
22
Oct
This was sent to me by a friend:
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress . They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
‘Yesterday we were campaigning…
Today you voted.’
Washington DC – Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
‘Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,’ said California Senator Barbara Boxer. ‘We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.’
In a Capital Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement ‘warehouse’ stores (65%). At the state level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hi ring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-Abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, ‘Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?’ ‘As a Non-Abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember ‘righty tighty, lefty loosey’. ‘This new law should be real good for people like me,’ Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durbin ( D-IL): ‘As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great Nation and a good salary for doing so.’
Received this via email. It’s so true in so many ways:
A biker is riding his Harley by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter witnessed the entire event. The reporter addressing the biker says, ”Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”
The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and I just did what I had to do.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. . . . So, what do you do for a living and what is your political affiliation?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
A recurring theme I’ve heard pretty much this entire primary is being repeated today during Super Tuesday:
I just don’t see how the South could vote for McCain (though we have before).
Now, I have never bought into that logic for several very simple reasons. First of all:
He obviously knows how to handle a gun. That’s important down here. While the other candidates might talk about handling guns, or the lack thereof, John’s played with some pretty big ones. He even got to shoot at other people. That scores as much or more with the NASCAR crowd than anything John Kerry ever hoped for. It’s not so much that John got to play with big guns, he was taken captive by the enemy and lived to talk about it. John therefore has one thing going for him that money can’t buy down here, the badass factor. Now, without intending to stigmatize the South, of which I am a part of, a LOT of people don’t dig too deep into the votes and history of the candidates. That’s true all over the country. What they do that, they look for the comfort factor. The blacks are going to lean towards Obama, the women will lean towards Hillary, the very religious will lean to Huckabee, the Mormons will lean to Romney, the uber-liberals with Paul. And, naturally, the self-perceived badasses will lean towards the guy that took one during a war. What that percentage of the vote is I don’t have a clue.
Secondly, after taking a hit from a big gun and being taken prisoner by the enemy and then living to talk about it, John came back home and did what any badass would do:
He nailed a smokin hot babe. To beef up that badass factor a little more, he was apparently doing it while he was married, to someone else.
And finally, he didn’t seek the endorsement of other politicians and or preachers, he got the consummate badass, Rambo et al:
A lot is being made over this:
I can see why. SOME folks in Arlington are saying they don’t think this represents their community. The question I have is, why not? Mayor Carmen is obviously very fit and healthy. That folks, is a good thing. The image I’m getting is folks in Arlington, OR, must be living right to look like that post-teen years. That’s certainly not what my mayor looks like. Now, if they had some morbidly obese mayor, I could understand the outcry a lot more. I wouldn’t want people to think that represented my town. And trust me, there are a lot more of those than the Carmens in office. I think the folks of Arlington need to chill out a LOT. They elected her, she most likely looked pretty much the same when she was running as she does now. And now that they all can check her out ready for a hot night on a fire engine, they should consider themselves lucky.
Got this via email:
Regarding women:
- She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” – She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN.”
- She is not a “SCREAMER” or a “MOANER” – She is “VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.”
- She is not “EASY” – She is “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”
- She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” – She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”
- She has not “BEEN AROUND” – She is a “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION .”
- She is not an “AIRHEAD” – She is “REALITY IMPAIRED.”
- She does not get “DRUNK” or “TIPSY” – She gets “CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED”
- She does not have “BREAST IMPLANTS” – She is “MEDICALLY ENHANCED.”
- She does not “NAG” you – She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”
- She is not a “TRAMP” – She is “SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.”
- She does not have “MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS” – She is “PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.”
- She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” – She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”
Regarding men:
- He does not have a “BEER GUT” – He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”
- He is not a “BAD DANCER” – He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”
- He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” – He seeks or “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”
- He is not “BALDING” – He is experiencing “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”
- He is not a “CRADLE ROBBER” – He prefers “GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.”
- He does not get “FALLING-DOWN DRUNK” – He becomes “ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.”
- He does not act like a “TOTAL @SS” – He has developed a case of “RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”
- He is not a “MALE CHAUVINIST PIG” – He has “SWINE EMPATHY.”
- He is not afraid of “COMMITMENT” – He is “RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.”
- He is not “HORNY” – He is “SEXUALLY FOCUSED.”
- It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants – It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE “
And finally, regarding my heritage, we are not “HILLBILLIES”, we are Appalachian-Americans.
In case someone hasn’t noticed by this point, wer’e engaged in a primary season to choose our next President of the United States of America. It’s all over the internet, it’s all over the news, it’s all over radio, it’s all over the papers. And now, for those that ingest none of the above, it’s soon to be all over the roads:
H/T to Mrs. Stormwarning.
Originally, I thought this was going to be the idiot of the day. Then, I was going to morph into Big Brother run amok. But, the story reads a lot different than the obvious.
And, it sort of finishes with:
“‘I didn’t know what to tell her,”‘ Spruill said the constituent told him before Spruill vowed to stop such displays.
“I said, ‘Sir, I’m going to be a laughingstock, but I’m going to do it,”‘ he said.
Fox then goes on to illustrate some other “offbeat” bills in Virginia. In this case, the only thing offbeat about it is Spruill singling out rubber hitch testicles. If he had broadened it to include all sexual organs, then I think it would have been a little less offbeat and make a lot more sense. And quite frankly, carting around a five year old myself, I can appreciate the predicament whoever thought publicly displaying testicles on a hitch placed on all the parents of small children in. The legislature can’t ban stupid or inconsiderate. However, they can let them know what stupid is by giving police the ability to correct their stupid actions. If whoever thinks rubber testicles is a fashion statement wants everyone to know they have a thing for rubber testicles, they can display them at home or INSIDE their vehicle in such a way as to not impress small kids. Since apparently some people aren’t bright enough to figure out the impact they are having on innocent children, and the parents thereof, it’s up to people like Lionel Spruill to make a public fool of himself in order to protect our children from the inconsiderate idiots.
Kudos to Mrs. Moon for pointing out that I needed to address this important issue.
( BTW, the idiot of the day is not Del. Spruill, it’s the idiots driving around with their rubber testicles exposed to small children. )
12
Nov
Got this via email. Not sure how accurate it is 
